You know the more I think I have life figured out, the more I realize that I know nothing at all.  When my dad passed away a couple of years ago I told myself that it was better than him still being here with me in pain, but secertly, selfishly, I was just lying to my self and everyone I told that to.  Now I know it was the right thing to say but I just wish I wasnt so much of an a****** earlier in my life and I could have gotten to him better.  Now, on the eve of what should have been my first fathers day, I sit here in tears typing this knowing that tomorrow will be the most lonely day I will have had to live up to this point.  I do lay there motionless at night, like some optemistic 7 year old on chrismas eve night, praying to God to help me get through this and asking why it happened at all.  I know that I am supposed to have faith, but even I can only take so much.  I wanted and needed that little boy and before I even had the chance to try, I failed in protecting him.  So i go on everyday thinking that this is some big test of faith, life, and my human spirit.  Even though, growing up tests weren't exactly my thing but I will not fail this test, and to GOD... Keep coming.. I've got a little angel up their and I know he won't let me down like I did to him.  I love you John Anthony and I will see you again some day.