The Christian Conservatives Are Coming

Actually, the Christian Conservatives are already here. Why are they here? Well, in 2004 58 million Americans asked them to continue not protecting America from terrorists. Most would think of a Conservative as being one for isolationism, small-government, strict-spending, and other desirable qualities. Not this crowd. These new Conservatives are just the opposite with a major touch of extreme ideological views that would probably even scare Nixon.

Just who are these Conservatives? They are those deprived politicians that can’t stand seeing other people enjoying their lives. They are the people that you would consider narks, nerds, big brother, nosy neighbors, “chicken-hawks,” and other nuisances.

HISTORY OF THESE STUFFY ENTERTAINERS:

Oral Sex, Lies, and Audiotapes

The rise of modern Conservatives may have truly begun after they seized the Congress in the midterm elections of 1994 under the banner of morals and values. To these guys, President Clinton must have seemed like the antichrist because after all, Clinton liked sex—oral sex. The vicious Conservative movement of the 1990s focused its attention on publicly humiliating Clinton and getting him thrown out of office because of his sexual indiscretions.

What didn’t help these morals-n-values-conscious Conservatives was that their leaders were just as promiscuous as Clinton: Newt Gingrich, Bob Livingston, and Henry Hyde. These guys, except for Hyde, as well as most of the House managers who prosecuted Clinton lost their jobs in the 2000 elections. Fortunately, an overwhelming majority of Americans disapproved of the Conservatives’ impeachment of Clinton and the president fulfilled his second term with an approval rating that may have called for a little immoral celebration.

A High Person with an Even Higher Calling

But help was on the way, according to Conservative George W. Bush, who spent 80 percent of his life partying, using cocaine, and abusing alcohol later to be saved by Jesus Christ. Thank God, indeed, that someone was finally going to show us what morals-n-values really meant. The Conservative crowd seemed to have liked his no-sense approach to governing which followed one rule: ignorance is bliss.

So thanks to God, evangelicals, NASCAR fans, and some "moderates"—and the Supreme Court—George W. Bush became our 43^rd U.S. President and honor and dignity was coming back to the Whitehouse (in other words: no more oral sex). Interestingly, Bush had to separate himself from others of his party and soon referred to himself as a “Compassionate Conservative.” I guess even Bush thought these guys were brutal.

Test Tubes, Feeding Tubes and Down the Tubes

Conservatives’ strong opposition to anything science became apparent in Bush’s first term as president. Bush was faced with deciding which direction if any that he would take America in the research and manipulation of embryonic stem cells and other scientific issues. He “sided with life” as any “pro-life” candidate should and set a limit to the “destruction” of stem cells that could one day grow into adult Republicans. So Bush set major restrictions on the research that may very well have halted the finding of useful medical treatments for diseases such as Alzheimer’s, diabetes, Parkinson’s and more.

Bush’s condemnation of the Supreme Court for not outlawing sodomy, abortion and suicide came to a head in the Terri Shaivo incident. In a desperate attempt to show their compassion, Conservatives held a special session of Congress in the hopes of prolonging the brain-dead woman’s non-life. Bush, demonstrating that he could do better than the seven minute 9/11 wait-out, flew from Texas to D.C. to sign the special congressional bill that would “save” Shaivo from her husband. Conservatives soon learned that most Americans didn't care for that kind of invasion of privacy.

War, Lies, and Exposures

Skipping by 9/11 and Iraq, we found our hardworking president in a defensive state of denial even as his policy in Iraq spilled over revealing the not so pleasant misjudgments that led the U.S. into the war. Conservatives swept some more seats in Congress in the 2002-midterm elections and were secretly spreading fear and lies to its uninformed voters throughout the country in the holy grassroots campaign of 2004. This resulted in the re-election of Bush.

These lies included stories of Liberals coming back to power to burn the Bibles, renovate abortion clinics with porno magazines, turn your children gay, and other scary tales. So when we learned that Vice President Dick Cheney’s crew outed a CIA agent, whose husband was critical of the administration’s claims regarding Iraq’s non-existent nukes, we weren’t surprised.

Now Whitehouse indictments are in the air, Conservative leaders of both houses of Congress are under investigation for dishonest deeds, and the approval ratings for these Conservatives are at an all time and hopeless low. The promise of honor, dignity and compassion seems like a distant memory… an illusion… another lie.

Oh Well, We Asked for It

We brought them here, we asked them to stay, and now they have near-absolute power. Good job folks, but in the next election why don’t we check the qualifications and ideology of our politicians before we put them in the Congress, Presidency and (indirectly) Supreme Court. When we stop paying attention to this process, we pay for it dearly.

Who is going to be defining your rights from now on? Justice Antonin Scalia, Clarence Thomas, and soon-to-be justice Samuel Alito--the radical right wing of the Supreme Court. The Supreme Court will be tilted and these guys are relatively young and are in place to make our lives a lot less enjoyable.

Get your duct tape, water bottles, and assault weapons ready because there could be a lot of unhappy citizens emerging soon and maybe even a little revolution.